In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Perhaps really till a point of time. People can't be bothered anymore. For things to progress till this point is an anticipation for all others. But none has predicted that it'll take so long to happen. Is this good or bad?

Faith and trust being misplaced. Empty talks and no realisation. How is this justified. Am I supposed to be sad, angry or disappointed?

Did I have any emotions? What are my emotions now? Am I supposed to feel anything? Does anyone knows how I feel? Will anyone stand up and tell me?

I don't wanna change you. You don't wanna let go. I had faith in you, you don't wanna show me you can. I can't see any happiness, you said there'll be. I want to believe that there'll be, you said you'll prove me there'll be.

Where am I now? Why am I still here. Why am I still talking to myself? Is there someone I can tell my story to? Would I ever be heard?

What's gonna happen next?.. How should I react to it? Am I gonna put in more faith (wait, is there anymore left?) to wholeheartedly believe it again or should I just brush it off and bullshit and don't bother about it? Let others think I'm the demanding and unreasonable one alright? Sounds like a plan?

坏人我做就可以the last thing I could ever do for you. Will this be the last thing? Or maybe just another thing?

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Now, it's one paper down and three more to go! Jia you jia you!!

Some kind of funny feeling is always lurking around. I do not really like it. But what can I do about it. So many things in life are not controllable by me and you. I hope everything will turn out fine. Somehow they always do, isn't it? =)

But why must it be that my exam periods ALWAYS coincide with my troubled periods? What a challenge. I always struggle like mad but somehow, always happen to survive too! I will too this time! And Mao Mao will be with me.

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Annoying much! There are still people who just can’t get a life, can’t get some wisdom even though they are already so old!!!! GRR! I know you won’t be reading my blog so I can safely bitch about you here! It’s exam period! You are so wasting my time and making me so annoyed that I can’t concentrate!!!

Back 2 months ago, we could well still be friends, if only you could be a little more matured!!! Hello?! I know it’s difficult to let go, but you don’t have to still pester my life, give me two dozens missed calls a day? If you don’t have a life then, I have! I have work, school and all my other commitments. My life’s not just about you. Yes I know, we’re friends, but sorry, I don’t think normal friends would require that much attention, do they?

And causing much disgust, when I finally picked up the call so that you’ll stop calling, asked what’s the matter, “oh, I’m bored, I'm lonely.”

OMGWTFBBQ????!!! What do you think I am?! Some hotline or chat line whatever shit?! For you to ease your boredom?! Oh my tian, I’ve got better things to do, you know?.. If you bloody can’t get over I can understand, but could you be more of a considerate and less of a selfish to consider the fact that I’m trying very hard to adapt to a new studying environment and I don’t have the luxurious free time to spare them on you!!! And am I oblige to report to you everything in my life? NO?! Obviously I’m not! And how does it concern you if I will be back to my long time bf or not?! No! Clearly not. How much do you know about us? How much do you know about what we went through?.. Who are you to comment about him, or even judge him? Even if we aren’t together we’re still friends, we still care a lot about one another. Why? Because at the very least, he has a brain, he is matured and never does funny things that just turns people off! So please don’t insult him.

And I can’t imagine I actually put up with all the crazy spam calling for 1.5 months! Lots of vibration in my pocket, y’know? Boomz! Not! Aw, and FYI, 1.5 months! You don’t have much perseverance, do you? And I’m glad you don’t!!!

And yes, sure we all have to move on! Yes, good, move on, you're doing great, find your new target and leave me alone, can you? =) No! You can’t! Obviously you aren’t automatic enough and you’re blessed with incredibly THICK, stratified squamous keratinized epithelium!! How thick skinned can you be? To ask me, who is mega-annoyed, about what to do to hook-up your new fish? Great question! I must really give it to you!

Get a life please!!! For goodness sake!

1. First, if you consider yourself a man, you should have some bloody common sense that an angry woman would not be kind enough to offer you constructive advice for you new sweetie.

2. Moreover, is this MY business? Oh you mean I’m obliged to find a replacement for you after I left? Eurgh, no, I don’t think so.

3. I charge, for my professional advice. And I choose my clients. So I’m sorry, not open for business.

4. I’m having my Holy exams. I don’t like to be interrupted by people who are not worth my attention.

5. I’m really not interested to help you. (Eurgh! I hate to say this! Spoils my reputation.)

6. I don’t give a shit about your problems!!

7. Sorry, I'm not bothered about whether you’re happy or not. Well, at least for now.

SO, please, if you have some 自知之明, please buzz off and mind your own biz. Erm, you know, I really wanna be nice, and I am really nice. But to you? Someone who have seriously crossed the line and simply too much, sorry, not worth a thought.

Aw, but lucky you, to have made it to my blog for one lengthy post. But sorry, not a post worth remembering! :P

Okay, done with relieving the angst! Time to mug!

May all nice people on earth have more happy things to blog about! Cheers!

OMGWTFBBQ!!!! JIA YOU MUGGING!!!

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I know it's exam period, but I just couldn't resist and have to say it all out!

I AM NOT HAPPY!

But I still thank my other self for being able to stay cheerful and optimistic, at least in front of my friends who really care about me. I don't wanna spread some negative energies to anyone.

I live in a world of my own. My own room, is like my own house, occasionally there are some visitors, sometime to come and borrow things, sometimes to check on my call records and sms, sometimes to ask how to troubleshoot the tv, sometimes to complain, sometims to tell me I have a call from ______, sometimes to ask what I want to eat. There, my mom comes in again and said she didn't cook, but there's some leftover porridge (from lunch).

Why do my loved ones just ask me what I want to eat?... Will they be concerned about how I'm doing in school or work? Will they be concerned about how I'm doing now? How I'm feeling today? How is my sinusitis?...

Is everyone outside my room so busy? So busy that they only have time see the bad things I occasionally do, but how about the goods? They come in and complain and scold and shout, and who has seen the GPA 3.94 results slip? And who has seen me working so hard to tidy up my room (which was in high entropy last time) and doing housework? It's been some time since I last saw my mom smiled. She never smiles when I show her my results slip. She never smiles when I said I scored full marks for anatomy. Slowly, I stopped talking. Because nothing I said was ever right. Nothing I said would bring anyone a smile.

Soon I closed the door. Soon I stopped sitting on my favourite sofa seat in the living room. Soon my family's daily conversations with me was, "what time you coming back?", "you working tonight? so i no need to cook your share.", "why did you wake up so late this morning? no need to go to school meh?". No one asks, "When are your exams coming? How's your preparations?", "How's school?".. Even my boss/lady boss/locum dr would ask me that.

No, I'm not saying that no one cares about me. Yes I know, my friends, boss/lady boss and teachers care. But why not my family and loved ones? Yes, I'm really fortunate, I have a complete family (which many others do not have), I have elder siblings (which many others yearn to have), my family financials is not so good, but well off than many others, we don't have a family car, but we have a daddy motorcycle. But do I really belong to the family emotionally? Maybe you'd think that I'm the youngest, and thus most pampered, but do I really get more love? Do I really connect with my family members? Okay, maybe you say they care but just don't express it out. But I think not. You guys are not yuyan, you won't understand, so don't say you understand.

I've always had a listening ear to spare when anyone needs it. But now it seems that most people have lost their sense of hearing. They can express what they want, how they want it to be done but somehow forgot to listen. Anyone listening to me talk?... I guess not. Many times I wished Mao Mao was here. Because she has ears, a pair of beautiful ears. She has a connection with me, a feeling that she understands. We connect and we know how each other feels, without needing to use our mouths. But she's not gone, but also not here.

I always did my best, to be a good child, good student, good pharmacist-to-be. I always try to listen to my elders, for as much as I can, and do what they say, heed their advice. But has all that made anyone happy? Or does this just make them coming back for more? I'm not that stressed with school work, really. I love what I'm studying. But is anyone happy with this? Anyone to share my happiness for being privileged enough to study? No one to share my joys, at least in this house.

Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe they all love me, maybe just not the way that I really want. Maybe I should say it out, what I want. Or wait, will there be anyone listening? Maybe I should be contented by just having enough friends. I'm not sure, how many friends do I really have. I hope the same thing in poly wouldn't happen again. From what I see now I'm positive that it wouldn't.

And I know someone out there, who's gonna give me some promises after you see this. May I urge you not to. Although I know you'll never fulfil it, another part of me still faithfully believes in you and that you'll finally achieve it. But yet again you shattered her into a million pieces. But she's so strong, she'll stand up again, and believe in you again, even more then the previous time. But that doesn't justify you to make empty promises. I wished you'll stop trampling on her faith, because you'll never know when she'll run out of it. If you can't do something, never promise anyone that you'll do it. Expectations brings disappointments.

I count my blessings that I still have another of me. To be able to stay optimistic despite the rainy days that wouldn't go away. Despite the never-ending list of expectations from others that would never be lowered, my other self was still able to keep me going, keep me faithful, keep me alive and keep me breathing. Maybe that's Mao Mao.

But I know, there are still some things that'll never betray you. Like studies, shopping, singing and swimming. These are things which your hard work will pay off. They'll recognise you and agree with you, right?

感谢还有另一个自己

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;