In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

OKAY! I've decided.

Enough of pitying myself. Enough of soaking in salt solution and mucus. I must be strong and stand up again. Anyway no one will pity me.

Hello Yuyan, not end of the world yet!

I must be strong! I cannot just let myself be like this. Not worth it. I still need to be bro's happy pill, I still have lots of dreams yet to fulfil. If I just die like this, isn't it such a waste?..

I must stand up again. I've been through this before didn't I? I can do it again. I know I can. Just too many people came to screw this time. Stop me from initiating my recovery, stop me from crying. Hello? I told you all that doesn't help, just let me be. Anyone listened? No again. Anything out of the normal? Nope.

Okay. I should get used to it. Appreciate the fact that some folks in the world just can't listen, I must empathize (understand what they say but not necessarily agreeing with them!) them.

I know. I will be strong. That's the Yuyan that people always knew. Laughing everything off. Right? Yes. Okay. No whines and tears from tomorrow on. Be strong.

A promise to myself.

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I'm starting to dislike this world. I dislike how they managed to create me and left me on my own. I hate how the truth can be distorted and how complicated can humans hearts be (not anatomy, although I'm really not in a mood to joke at all.) I hate no matter how much I've done but they just come back demanding for more, and more.

Year after year I seemed to survive every torture, every struggle, even no one knew of. I wasn't born an introvert, I wasn't born to be unsociable. But years and years things have to accumulate and there are so many I couldn't say it all out, because to protect someone else (it always protects anyone else except me), because I was told not to tell anyone, because it involves the law and legislation.

I want to be happy, I want you all to be happy, I want to be nice, I want to listen to you (as compliant as I could), I want to be what you all want me to be (as much as I could). But please don't push me so far, till I've got no where to go. I seemed to have a lot of freedom, but do I really? Or am I just restricted by what you all want me to be, what you all want me to do and what you all think I've done?

Please stop judging me about what I've done. Please stop saying that you all really understand what I've been through. You all don't, you don't. Please stop it. Stop using your measurement of happiness on me and tell me what to do to be happy. Stop questioning me every time something goes wrong assuming it's all my fault again.

I'm the youngest, but I'm not spoilt, I'm not stupid, I'm not reliant. In fact I came out to work the youngest, I earned money for myself the youngest. I did everything on my own. I went to and came back from school alone since I was P1. I saw every one's parents came to visit during recess time but where's mine? Other people had nice caring elder siblings so you'll think I must have led a wonderful childhood because I'm the most doted on. What bullshit. Youngest doesn't means most being taken care of or most being concerned. So perhaps I had a material-rich life? No, didn't either.

I'm not complaining that I want more money more clothes etc etc. What are these? I can so easily earn them myself by my labour. I'm a human! I've said it so many times. I'm not a pet, not an animal! Even pets and animals also do need care and concern and also respect. And where's mine? Hello my loved ones? Am I being listened to? How many times my little request has just been brushed across as nonsense? Bullshit?

If only they would ever see how much I've written here. But they wouldn't. Tell me when can I live this undesirable world? I really wished tomorrow will never come for me.

I hope to close my eyes tonight and never wake up ever again.

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;