In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I know it's exam period, but I just couldn't resist and have to say it all out!

I AM NOT HAPPY!

But I still thank my other self for being able to stay cheerful and optimistic, at least in front of my friends who really care about me. I don't wanna spread some negative energies to anyone.

I live in a world of my own. My own room, is like my own house, occasionally there are some visitors, sometime to come and borrow things, sometimes to check on my call records and sms, sometimes to ask how to troubleshoot the tv, sometimes to complain, sometims to tell me I have a call from ______, sometimes to ask what I want to eat. There, my mom comes in again and said she didn't cook, but there's some leftover porridge (from lunch).

Why do my loved ones just ask me what I want to eat?... Will they be concerned about how I'm doing in school or work? Will they be concerned about how I'm doing now? How I'm feeling today? How is my sinusitis?...

Is everyone outside my room so busy? So busy that they only have time see the bad things I occasionally do, but how about the goods? They come in and complain and scold and shout, and who has seen the GPA 3.94 results slip? And who has seen me working so hard to tidy up my room (which was in high entropy last time) and doing housework? It's been some time since I last saw my mom smiled. She never smiles when I show her my results slip. She never smiles when I said I scored full marks for anatomy. Slowly, I stopped talking. Because nothing I said was ever right. Nothing I said would bring anyone a smile.

Soon I closed the door. Soon I stopped sitting on my favourite sofa seat in the living room. Soon my family's daily conversations with me was, "what time you coming back?", "you working tonight? so i no need to cook your share.", "why did you wake up so late this morning? no need to go to school meh?". No one asks, "When are your exams coming? How's your preparations?", "How's school?".. Even my boss/lady boss/locum dr would ask me that.

No, I'm not saying that no one cares about me. Yes I know, my friends, boss/lady boss and teachers care. But why not my family and loved ones? Yes, I'm really fortunate, I have a complete family (which many others do not have), I have elder siblings (which many others yearn to have), my family financials is not so good, but well off than many others, we don't have a family car, but we have a daddy motorcycle. But do I really belong to the family emotionally? Maybe you'd think that I'm the youngest, and thus most pampered, but do I really get more love? Do I really connect with my family members? Okay, maybe you say they care but just don't express it out. But I think not. You guys are not yuyan, you won't understand, so don't say you understand.

I've always had a listening ear to spare when anyone needs it. But now it seems that most people have lost their sense of hearing. They can express what they want, how they want it to be done but somehow forgot to listen. Anyone listening to me talk?... I guess not. Many times I wished Mao Mao was here. Because she has ears, a pair of beautiful ears. She has a connection with me, a feeling that she understands. We connect and we know how each other feels, without needing to use our mouths. But she's not gone, but also not here.

I always did my best, to be a good child, good student, good pharmacist-to-be. I always try to listen to my elders, for as much as I can, and do what they say, heed their advice. But has all that made anyone happy? Or does this just make them coming back for more? I'm not that stressed with school work, really. I love what I'm studying. But is anyone happy with this? Anyone to share my happiness for being privileged enough to study? No one to share my joys, at least in this house.

Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe they all love me, maybe just not the way that I really want. Maybe I should say it out, what I want. Or wait, will there be anyone listening? Maybe I should be contented by just having enough friends. I'm not sure, how many friends do I really have. I hope the same thing in poly wouldn't happen again. From what I see now I'm positive that it wouldn't.

And I know someone out there, who's gonna give me some promises after you see this. May I urge you not to. Although I know you'll never fulfil it, another part of me still faithfully believes in you and that you'll finally achieve it. But yet again you shattered her into a million pieces. But she's so strong, she'll stand up again, and believe in you again, even more then the previous time. But that doesn't justify you to make empty promises. I wished you'll stop trampling on her faith, because you'll never know when she'll run out of it. If you can't do something, never promise anyone that you'll do it. Expectations brings disappointments.

I count my blessings that I still have another of me. To be able to stay optimistic despite the rainy days that wouldn't go away. Despite the never-ending list of expectations from others that would never be lowered, my other self was still able to keep me going, keep me faithful, keep me alive and keep me breathing. Maybe that's Mao Mao.

But I know, there are still some things that'll never betray you. Like studies, shopping, singing and swimming. These are things which your hard work will pay off. They'll recognise you and agree with you, right?

感谢还有另一个自己

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;