In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Do you have faith? Could someone spare me some faith?

I really tired. Be it physically, mentally or emotionally.

Physically- work and traffic duties are killing me. I'm feeling feverish since Thursday. The weather is making it worse. My sleep is notorious for its quality and quantity. I wanna exercise. I feel unhealthy.

Mentally- assignment 3 is quite a kill. Thinking about my time management is super kill. Thinking about how to sort out my new work matter is mega kill. What's more exams' round the corner, how am I gonna start? Or concentrate? With so many thoughts occurring in my mind.

Emotionally- letting go is hard. Letting go of all old things/people/environment that just clicked with you so well, is really really tough. As much as I would like to be open minded as receptive, I'm concerned about what lies ahead of me. Am I getting my priorities correct?

I thought I just felt extremely positive, optimistic and upbeat just Friday midnight, what have I done to my mood now?!

Suddenly everything that went so well, just all turned so rancid. I don't wanna deal with them. I'm tired of dealing with problems, trying my best to come up with the best resolution every time, then I'll see the same problem again the day after. Am I wrong? Have I been handling things in the wrong way?

B:
The more I tried to love you for the way you are, the more I ask myself why am I still doing this? I thought that by doing that I would remove disagreements, expectations and resentment. I don't feel happy at all trying to do this all day, I feel like I've been postponing my happiness, and trying to achieve something that has no end to it. I'm tired. Really tired. I'm trying to explain to you my feelings all day, you telling me you got it, understood, and 2 hours later the whole cycle just repeats itself.

I looked back, and realised I've been trying to do this for almost 5 whole years. With also an attempt to let you know how I was thinking, turning into trying to "improve" you attempt, which failed. I seriously wished I could just let everything go, let me just accept things as whatever they are, but it still seems like even after then, I still won't be happy. And your indifference is not helping.

I hope I'm not too greedy.
I'm asking for you to be able to listen to what I'm saying, as least in a 90% attentive way.
I'm asking for you to tell the truth like, eg. just admit that you're tired when you're tired.
I'm asking for you to have some awareness of the changes your mood.
I'm asking for you to just give a little thought before you speak as words from loved ones can be really hurtful.

I don't know.
But will you be bothered?
Can you be bothered?
Are you understanding what's written here.
Can you feel my emotions?
Am I supposed to still believe in your promises
when I see the exact opposing happening with my eyes?

I don't know.
Tell me what to do.
I can't hold there any longer
I'm tired of making this blog such a sad place.
I'm tired of being positive and optimistic.
And the Will to want to be happy isn't helpful.
I'm tired of living,
tonight I sleep and I may not open my eyes again. (I'll be happy if this happens but sadly it's almost always not the case.)

Tell me how to go on loving you.

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;