In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Baby I know it has always been difficult for you to understand what I am saying. I don't know why it must be this way. I really don't know. But I have really tired. I really did. Have you tried listening to what I am saying? Have you used your heart to feel every word I have written to you? Have you tried to feel my feelings instead of entirely trusting your assumptions? Do you know that your assumptions hurt me the most?

I know you have been really nice to me. And I know perhaps i will never find another person like you again. But you make me really tired. I am really tired of explaining myself every single time i talk to you. Yet you still believe in your assumption and perception of me. How is this communication when it was never 2-way. How can i ever get my points across.

i just want you to know i will never do anything or ask you to do anything that will bring you harm. But you still can't trust me. Generally what i say you won't believe, but if your friend says the same thing to you, you believe them immediately. And the many many other bad habits you know them yourself.

All these i can forgive. I can live with. I can deal with them. If you love me i have the power to move on. You always know i can forgive you for anything. and I mean anything and everything. You know it. But baby you can't give me the "it is me or God" attitude. You can't make me put you above God, I can't do it. You don't understand, I will do anything for you but to put you above God. I really don't wanna hurt you. Strictly speaking you really have done nothing wrong. Maybe you just want my attention. I know it. And have i not given you what you want?.. Or was it not enough? And I am sorry, baby you can't solve the problem by saying you'll be christian for my sake. Yes you can fool everyone, you can fool me but you can't fool God. At the end of the day if you don't love God you won't understand why i want to put God in the centre of my life and we will still end up miserable like how we are now.

If you are forcing me to make a choice i would. I really would. Call me selfish I still would. I know it is painful, or maybe it would even be more painful for you. I feel so pathetic i would even try asking for my 6 years back. We practically GREW UP TOGETHER. I'm sure i did. Have you?

I am writing all these but i think you'll never read this. Or maybe if you do i hope you can read it with your heart. and listen to me. Listen to my honest feelings, not your assumptions. I hate your freaking assumptions.

I cry like a child and I know you hate it when i cry. But i don't enjoy crying either, i'm just blessed with great abilities to cry all day and night and my tears just never go dry. It's a positive feedback loop i don't feel better. I seriously don't. You know what makes me feel better? that is for you to understand, but you probably never will. I feel like i'm a joke. After so much we've gone through, we're still back to where we are 2 years ago. On the verge of breaking up (again), still struggling to keep this relationship alive, still trying to sort out our differences.

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I have such a tendency to blog down negative feelings. I wonder why.

I'm starting to hate the crowd. The way home from school seemed especially long this evening. The crowd on the train makes me feel cold, so lonely. I find it more and more difficult to fit into the world, or it is just me? I feel so uncomfortable among many people. I just wanna be alone.

I'll cry all i want, and when tomorrow comes i will tie up my hair again and life goes on...

God please help me to see the silver lining is every cloud. Lord help me to trust in Your plan for me!

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Batam trip was a good escape from the noisy city! =) Too bad I was so busy mugging and having fun, I haven't had a good thought about the future.

Godma is right, I really need to think, because I can't always just leave it to chance or nature's course to determine my happiness. I can't just always use the excuse of "busy with studies" to run away from my problems and responsibilities. Sigh, but it's really not easy to make a change, even if I want to.

So many things I thought I've made the right choice in the past, turns out that it may not really be! =(
HOW?!

- Psalms 37:4 -
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. # ;